DADT
DADT An arrangement where partners allow outside sexual activity but agree not to discuss it.
- What it means
- Where the line actually sits
- How it plays out
- Agreeing it with your partner
- Saying it to other people
- What it does not mean
- DADT and full disclosure side by side
- Common mistakes
- Often confused with
- Questions people ask
- Related terms
What it means
DADT stands for don't ask, don't tell. It describes an arrangement where partners agree that outside sexual activity is allowed, but neither shares details and neither asks.
The appeal is simplicity. Some people would rather not hear about a partner's encounters and would rather not report their own. DADT removes both obligations.
The arrangement is legitimate when both partners have chosen it freely and understand what it means. It is not the same as one partner deciding alone to keep quiet.
In the lifestyle, DADT is uncommon among couples who attend events together. It appears more often among people playing separately or in single profiles.
Where the line actually sits
Some DADT agreements cover everything. No questions, no details, no confirmation that anything happened at all.
Others allow a bare minimum, such as confirming that an encounter took place or that a test was taken. The details stay private.
Some couples set a time limit or a review date. Others leave the agreement open indefinitely.
A few use DADT for one partner only, with the other preferring full disclosure. Mixed arrangements exist but need extra care.
How it plays out
At clubs, a person under DADT attends alone. Other guests and hosts may ask about the partner, and a plain answer that the partner agreed is usually enough.
At house parties, hosts sometimes prefer to verify a partner's agreement. DADT makes that harder, because the partner may not want contact.
At hotel takeovers and resorts, DADT is rare because these events draw couples. A solo attendee under DADT is possible but unusual.
Online, DADT appears in profile text as an explanation for solo play. Some members treat it with suspicion because it cannot be checked.
Agreeing it with your partner
Agree what silence actually covers. Whether the partner may mention an encounter at all, and whether test results get shared, are different questions.
Talk about the risks openly before agreeing not to talk again. Health, emotional drift and the loss of a shared story are the usual concerns.
Set a review date. A DADT agreement that is never revisited can quietly become a wall between two people.
Agree what happens if one of you wants to know after all. Curiosity and worry do not respect an old agreement.
Saying it to other people
Tell any outside partner that you are under a DADT arrangement. They deserve to know that your partner will not be involved or informed.
Be ready for skepticism. Some people in the lifestyle treat DADT as a cover for cheating, and calm honesty is the only answer.
Do not promise something the agreement cannot deliver. An outside partner who wants to meet your spouse is asking for what DADT excludes.
Keep the arrangement's terms private. Explaining the whole agreement to others is not required.
What it does not mean
- DADT is just cheating with a label. Cheating breaks an agreement. DADT is an agreement, chosen openly by both partners, about what will not be discussed.
- DADT means no rules at all. Most DADT agreements have rules about protection, testing, emotional involvement and time. Only the details are off limits.
- It is the easy option. It removes conversations but adds risks. Health, trust and drift all need handling without the usual information.
- Anyone can declare DADT for themselves. Both partners must agree. One partner deciding to keep quiet is not an arrangement, it is secrecy.
- DADT couples never talk about the arrangement. They avoid the details of encounters. Reviewing the agreement itself is still necessary.
DADT and full disclosure side by side
| DADT | Full disclosure | |
|---|---|---|
| Details shared | None | All or most |
| Emotional exposure | Low in the moment, uncertain long term | High in the moment, clearer long term |
| Health information | Must be agreed separately | Usually shared as part of the story |
| Ease of verification by others | Low | High |
| Common in the lifestyle | Rare | Common |
| Requires periodic review | Yes | Yes |
Common mistakes
- Agreeing DADT to avoid a hard conversation rather than because both prefer it.
- Leaving health and testing outside the agreement, so that silence covers risk as well as detail.
- Never setting a review date, then discovering years later that one partner stopped agreeing.
- Failing to tell outside partners that the arrangement exists.
- Using DADT for one encounter and then assuming it applies to all future ones.
- Confusing not asking with not caring.
Often confused with
Hall pass, which is a single agreed encounter that partners usually discuss before and often after. DADT is ongoing and built specifically on not discussing encounters at all.
Questions people ask
What does DADT stand for?
Don't ask, don't tell. Partners allow outside activity but agree not to share or request details.
Is DADT ethical?
It can be, when both partners choose it freely and understand the trade-offs. It stops being ethical if one partner is misled.
What are the main risks?
Health information not being shared, emotional drift, and the loss of a shared story. Each needs an explicit answer.
Does DADT cover testing?
Only if the couple decides so. Many DADT couples share test results while keeping everything else private. Ask a clinician about medical questions.
Is DADT common among swingers?
No. Most lifestyle couples play together or share details. DADT is more common among people who play alone.
How do others react to it?
With some suspicion, because it cannot be verified. Calm, direct honesty is the usual answer.
Can a DADT agreement be changed?
Yes. Either partner can ask to revisit it, and a review date makes that easier.
What should outside partners be told?
That the arrangement exists, and that your partner will not be involved. They can then decide whether that suits them.
Can DADT work long term?
For some couples it does. It works best with clear rules on health and time, and a habit of reviewing the agreement itself.
Related terms
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