Rules
Rules The specific, agreed conditions a couple plays under, or a venue's conditions of entry.
- What it means
- Where the line actually sits
- How it plays out
- Agreeing it with your partner
- Saying it to other people
- What it does not mean
- Two kinds of rules
- Common mistakes
- Often confused with
- Questions people ask
- Related terms
What it means
The word covers two different things in the lifestyle. A couple's rules are what they have agreed between themselves. A venue's rules are conditions of entry.
A couple's rules turn boundaries into something specific enough to act on. Same room only is a rule. Feeling comfortable is not.
Venue rules cover consent, dress, photography, alcohol, single admission and behaviour. Breaking them usually means removal.
Both kinds work the same way. They are stated in advance so nobody has to work them out under pressure.
Where the line actually sits
Some couples run three or four rules. Others run a long list, especially early on.
Rules tend to loosen with experience, though not always, and some couples deliberately keep them tight.
Venue rules vary more than people expect. Photography, single men and BYOB policies differ widely between clubs.
Where a couple's rule and a venue's rule conflict, the venue's rule governs what happens on their premises.
How it plays out
Clubs publish their rules on the site or post them at the door. Reading them before arriving avoids surprises.
House parties often state rules verbally on arrival, and hosts expect guests to follow them exactly.
Hotel takeovers add the hotel's rules on top of the organizer's, particularly about noise and public areas.
Off-premise events have their own rule, which is that no play happens on site at all.
Agreeing it with your partner
Write your rules down at first. Two people remembering a conversation differently is the usual cause of trouble.
Keep them specific enough to follow. A rule you have to interpret in the moment is not doing its job.
Agree that rules change at home, never at an event, and never because someone asked nicely.
Review them every few months. Rules that no longer fit get ignored, which is worse than not having them.
Saying it to other people
State the rules that affect other people early, and keep the rest to yourselves.
Ask what their rules are. It is a normal question and the answer saves guesswork.
Never ask someone to break a stated rule. It is the fastest way to end a conversation.
If a venue rule and someone's suggestion conflict, follow the venue.
What it does not mean
- More rules means less trust. Often the reverse. Clear rules let couples relax because nothing has to be decided under pressure.
- Experienced couples have none. Most have fewer but firmer ones. Very few have none at all.
- Rules and boundaries are the same word. A boundary is the limit. A rule is the specific, agreed wording that puts it into practice.
- Venue rules are suggestions. They are conditions of entry, and venues enforce them by removing people.
- A rule can be waived for the right situation. A rule that bends on the night was a preference. Change it at home or keep it.
Two kinds of rules
| A couple's rules | A venue's rules | |
|---|---|---|
| Set by | The couple | The club, host or organizer |
| Typical content | Rooms, acts, who, information sharing | Consent, dress code, photography, alcohol, single admission |
| Where stated | Between the two of you, and to others as needed | On the site, at the door, or on arrival |
| If broken | A conversation at home | Removal from the venue, usually without a refund |
| Can it be changed | Yes, at home, by agreement | No, not by guests |
Common mistakes
- Writing rules so vague that both partners can follow them and still disagree afterwards.
- Changing a rule at an event because the moment seemed to call for it.
- Assuming another couple's rules resemble yours.
- Turning up without reading a venue's published rules, then being surprised at the door.
- Keeping rules that no longer fit, so they get quietly ignored.
- Treating a venue rule as negotiable with staff.
Often confused with
Boundaries, which are the underlying limits. Rules are how a couple words those limits so they can actually be followed.
Questions people ask
What is the difference between rules and boundaries?
A boundary is the limit itself. A rule is the specific agreed wording that makes the limit usable in the moment.
How many rules should a couple have?
However many you need. Some have three, some have fifteen, and both are fine if they are actually followed.
Can rules change?
Yes, at home and by agreement. Changing one at an event under pressure is how couples get into difficulty.
Do you tell other people your rules?
The ones that affect them, yes, and early. The rest stay between you.
What if a venue rule conflicts with ours?
The venue's rule governs their premises. Follow it or choose a different venue.
Where do you find a venue's rules?
On its website or posted at the door. Many clubs also brief new members on arrival.
What happens if you break a venue rule?
Usually removal, often without a refund, and sometimes a permanent ban depending on the rule.
Should rules be written down?
Early on, yes. Writing them prevents two different memories of the same agreement.
Do rules mean a couple is insecure?
No. Clear rules usually let couples relax, because the difficult decisions are already made.
Related terms
Browse every term in the swinger glossary, or find a venue in the swinger club directory.
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